Sex Tips for Men

Standard

Despite the endless articles in men’s magazines about sex dos and don’ts, men really don’t have to worry too much about bedroom etiquette. Women all know that men are basically gross and we’re willing to tolerate things like excessive grunting, body odor, ungrammatical dirty talk and even some moderate farting. However, to avoid crossing that thin line between barely acceptable and deal breaker, here’s a list of things that you should absolutely not, under any circumstances, do in bed.

1. Tell her that she smells like your mother as you’re nuzzling her neck

2. Ask when she last had a course of antibiotics

3. Say, “You really look better with your clothes on.”

4. Surprise her by magic markering your penis to make it look like a finger puppet

5. Play dead

6. Wave your arms around and scream like a baby at the sight of her exposed breasts

7. Ask her to wear a blindfold before unzipping your pants and then tell her she can remove it once you’re safely under the blankets

8. Stop midway to have something to eat

9. Offer her candy and then say, “Don’t tell your mommy and daddy about this or I’ll have to kill them.”

10. Ask her which one of your testicles she likes better

11. Try on her panties while she’s in the bathroom (OK. You might be able to get away with this one as a joke – but not on a first date)

12. Ask her if she has change for a hundred

There were two more than I removed from the list because I thought they were just too crude (I’m really a bit of a prude and even compiling this list made me blush) However, if you become a follower of my blog, I’ll email you the other two. Might just save your sex life!

Exodus from Paradise

Standard

I’m just leaving Martha’s Vineyard after spending a month here. Everyone thinks I’m crazy to be heading back to NYC just as it’s getting uncomfortably hot and everyone there is fleeing to various islands. However, I’m happy to be getting the hell out just as the tourist season is about to explode. All signs point to the First Family returning to the Vineyard this summer adding further chaos to what’s already a perfect storm of traffic, long lines and inflated prices. Here’s my suggestion for the Vineyard’s new tagline. Feel free to use it for a bumper sticker, tee shirt, refrigerator magnet or any other piece of tourist crap.

MVWorldsworst

TV Killed Chrystal Meth

Standard

It used to be cool to be a meth addict
Like hard core cool
Not so much anymore
TV made it trendy
Like junior executives out clubbing trendy

TV has ruined a lot of things
At one time, indulging in some sort of aberrant behavior
might fuck up your life
But it gave you some cred, some edginess

Now the media has mainstreamed all sorts of vices and oddities
Rehab, polygamy, prison, stripping, anorexia,
Even hoarding
Not that hoarding was ever cool. But it was distinctive

Not any more
TV networks are continually on the lookout for new types of deviant behavior to exploit
Hoarders are now scuttling out from every crack and crevice
To proudly display their disease to the public
It’s become competitive
I suspect that some of those shameless media whores intentionally plant particularly disgusting, disturbing things in their homes.
It’s only a matter of time before an miscarriage shows up between couch cushions.
Kidney stones in a microwave

And, if you figure out something that hasn’t been commercialized yet

For example:
Self flagellation
Or chewing on glass shards
Or enema obsession

The media is bound to co-opt it
And turn it into a sit-com
The E word
Or Frenemas
Or, maybe
The Oppenheimers

But back to meth

These days – if I wanted to become a meth addict
I wouldn’t bother
It would just be passé
Last year’s horrible mistake
Like wearing neon

There’s no longer any way to express your individuality, color, creativity
Forget extreme piercings, obsessive compulsive disorder, Tourette’s, necrophilia, Muchhausen-by-Proxy Syndrome, auto erotic asphyxiation, cannibalism,
It’s all been done.
Broadcasted, commercialized, franchised, branded, merchandized, product placed, spun off, overexposed and tossed aside

Is there anything left?

Well, I think heroin is still subversive
For now
Until it’s repackaged
As retro. “Old school Oxycontin”

So – heroin it is
Enjoy it while you can
Before it’s the flavor of the month

But please
Don’t ruin it for everyone
With Instagrams
Keep those selfies to yourself

Pics from around my neighborhood

Standard

This week I’ve decided to post some funny photos. At least I think they’re funny.
Judge for yourself.
cookiesandship
Well, the COOKIES were pretty good.
99percent
Everything sold at 99% of retail prices. Hurry on down. Won’t last.
Bimbo
Speaks for itself.
And, lastly, this one from Chinatown just made me laugh for some reason. Luckily they gave plenty of advance warning.
spongecake

Octopalypse

Image

octopus
A giant alien octopus
Suddenly appeared on the scene
The fearsome creature slithered down the street
Somehow propelling itself on a slime trail like a 15 ton slug
Leaving all eight appendages free
To wreak havoc

To Snatch up cars and fling them through the air
Lasso skyscrapers and pull them crashing to the ground
Uproot enormous trees as if it was plucking daisies
Snap huge monuments off from their foundations and toss them aside casually
Yank loose a suspension bridge like it was tearing the ribbon from a Christmas present
Wipe out an entire block of buildings with a reckless one arm swipe
Swat airplanes from the sky like they were annoying buzzing insects
Squash whole crowds of pedestrians with one lethal tentacle slam
Pick up a baby stroller and shake its tiny occupant into its cavernous gaping mouth as if it were dispensing a tic tac

Panic ensued
People shrieked
And fled in every direction
The monster had 360 degree coverage of the scene

I stood and stared
Fascinated – but not afraid
A woman ran by me, holding her head with both hands, and screaming hysterically
I sneered at her, “It’s not the end of the world,”
“Oh – yeah it is,” I said, correcting myself.