The Three Justins

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(This is a comic strip without any visuals because I can’t really draw.)

Justin A – Holy Crap! What is that?

Justin B – It looks like a bunny.

Justin C – That’s no bunny. That’s a RABBIT!

Justin A – Shit! That thing must be 40 feet tall.

Justin C – OK, The thing to do with rabbits is to just freeze and hope he doesn’t see us

Justin A – He definitely sees us and I don’t like the look in his eyes

Justin B – You know when you it comes right down to it a rabbit really does look like a rat – with a fuzzy tail

Justin C – Sort of, but it’s still kind of cute in a terrifying man-eating kind of way

Justin A – Cute my ass. I don’t think this bunny’s going to be giving out any chocolate eggs.

Justin B – Did you piss your pants?

Justin C – No (visually It’s obvious that he has)

Justin A – Instead of talking. I think we should be trying to escape.

Justin B – Yeah. Better hit the bunny trail before that thing starts hopping.

Justin A – How fast do you think it can go?

Justin B – Let’s not wait to find out.

To be continued…

Or probably not

Let’s just say that the giant rabbit crushes these three guys and then, after some vain attempts by the National Guard to lure it into a huge trap with some carrots (proving that this particular rabbit is a carnivore with a taste for human flesh) the monster ends up hopping into a rabbit hole which turns out to be a volcano.
THE END
Or is it?

Avenue A (for Charlie Hawkins)

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Who would have thought we’d ever get old?
A lot of us didn’t
Quite a few of us didn’t even make it out of our 20s
ODs, suicides and violent deaths took a heavy toll
Survival wasn’t a priority

But we definitely lived.
Fuck, did we live
The scene was alive in a way that most people can’t even imagine

The vicinity of Thompkins Square Park and the corner of St. Mark’s and Avenue A was the epicenter.
By 7 or 8 o’clock every night the area was a thriving community of punks, skinheads, junkies, bikers and bums
The party went on until the early hours of the morning

There was a small deli on the corner run by Pakistanis
We bought our beer there – Colt 45, Old English, Budweiser
You’d scrape together enough change for a 40 ounce to share from a paper bag
Didn’t matter if it was warm as piss or if the homeless person sucking on it before you had scabs on his lips and a swollen belly like a starving African child.
It was beer.

Sometimes we’d gather up empties from around the park and cash them in for a fresh 40
I remember Big Charlie getting kicked out of the deli
The owner wouldn’t take back the empties
Charlie was pissed
You didn’t want to piss off Big Charlie

He stood on the corner across the street from the deli
And shot the bottles like missiles right through the store’s open door.
One of them hit the deli case and cracked it
“You’ll take these back motherfucker”
“Whether you want to or not”
Charlie was a former all star football player
Every one of those bottles hit its mark
Perfect touchdown passes.

Charlie died in a car accident.
It literally took a speeding truck to bring that gentle giant down.
It was hard to accept that someone so healthy and so vital and so happy
Was just
Gone

I’d say Rest in Peace
But I can’t imagine Charlie ever resting
He was one of the most vibrant people I’ve ever met
He was everybody’s friend.
And when he was around – something would be happening

I’m sure he’s laughing now
He was always laughing
He laughed when he launched the bottles at the deli
We all laughed
Except maybe the deli owner

I’m laughing now, thinking about you Charlie
Thanks for that

Independence Day Alternatives

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Not feeling very patriotic? While the rest of the country is decorating in red, white and blue and singing “God Bless America”, you don’t have to hide in the house. Here are some suggestions for celebrating other July 4th anniversaries.

1) Assassination of the Imperial Romanov family (1918). This one actually occurred on July 17 but it’s July 4th according to the Julian calendar, which the Russian Orthodox Church continues to use. Anyway, you can honor this anniversary on either day you choose. Appropriate celebrations would include eating borscht and caviar and drinking vodka and doing that funny Russian dance.
Romanov family
Romanov family (from l to r) dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead

2) The Beatles chased out of the Philippines barely escaping with their lives (1966). The Fab Four managed to insult Imelda Marcos by declining a breakfast invitation and were attacked and run out of the country by an angry mob. John Lennon is quoted as saying “If we go back, it will be with an H-bomb. I won’t even fly over the place.” So much for Mr. “Give Peace a Chance.” Depending on how you feel about the Beatles you could a) hold a non-stop marathon playing of “Rubber Soul” and “Revolver” the two albums the band was promoting on their tour of Asia. OR b) Feast on the Philippine national dish Lechon, a spit roasted suckling pig traditionally served with a (mouth watering) thick liver sauce. Other suggestions: Adopt the word Imeldific, a word that Marcos tried to coin herself. “I was born ostentatious. They will list my name in the dictionary someday. They will use Imeldific to mean ostentatious extravagance.”
lechon
Philippine National dish Lechon. Interesting note: Beatle’s song Piggies, record label, Apple – hmm.

3) This one’s REALLY lame because I came up with it when I saw Sid Vicious listed as a July 4th birthday. Turns out it’s not Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols but WRESTLER Sid Vicious. Anyway, I like the idea of a Sid Vicious Day which could be celebrated by singing both versions of “God Save the Queen” – which would not only honor the man of the day but also signify disapproval of the National Holiday. Anyway, that’s my personal plan for today.
SidVicious
SIdEudy
Sid Vicious prince of punk and Sid Eudy (AKA Sid Vicious) wrestler

4) One more suggestion for being subversive. Celebrate a BRITISH holiday. Tynwald Day is July 5th (close enough). It’s a holiday celebrated on the Isle of Man by switching the location of the meeting of legislature. “Tynwald, meets at St John’s, instead of its usual meeting place in Douglas. The session is held partly in the Royal Chapel of St John the Baptist and partly in the open air on the adjacent Tynwald Hill (a small artificial mound).” Sounds like fun. As much fun as barbecues and fireworks – maybe not. But, if you’re a real Anglophile you could stand on a small artificial mound and wave the Isle of Man flag. Just a suggestion.
IsleofManflag
Weird Isle of Man flag. What does it mean?

Here’s a bonus “fun fact” On July 4 1866 a firecracker thrown in the woods started a fire that destroyed half of Portland Maine. It’s all fun and games until the town burns down.

Enjoy the 4th!

Sex Tips for Men

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Despite the endless articles in men’s magazines about sex dos and don’ts, men really don’t have to worry too much about bedroom etiquette. Women all know that men are basically gross and we’re willing to tolerate things like excessive grunting, body odor, ungrammatical dirty talk and even some moderate farting. However, to avoid crossing that thin line between barely acceptable and deal breaker, here’s a list of things that you should absolutely not, under any circumstances, do in bed.

1. Tell her that she smells like your mother as you’re nuzzling her neck

2. Ask when she last had a course of antibiotics

3. Say, “You really look better with your clothes on.”

4. Surprise her by magic markering your penis to make it look like a finger puppet

5. Play dead

6. Wave your arms around and scream like a baby at the sight of her exposed breasts

7. Ask her to wear a blindfold before unzipping your pants and then tell her she can remove it once you’re safely under the blankets

8. Stop midway to have something to eat

9. Offer her candy and then say, “Don’t tell your mommy and daddy about this or I’ll have to kill them.”

10. Ask her which one of your testicles she likes better

11. Try on her panties while she’s in the bathroom (OK. You might be able to get away with this one as a joke – but not on a first date)

12. Ask her if she has change for a hundred

There were two more than I removed from the list because I thought they were just too crude (I’m really a bit of a prude and even compiling this list made me blush) However, if you become a follower of my blog, I’ll email you the other two. Might just save your sex life!

Exodus from Paradise

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I’m just leaving Martha’s Vineyard after spending a month here. Everyone thinks I’m crazy to be heading back to NYC just as it’s getting uncomfortably hot and everyone there is fleeing to various islands. However, I’m happy to be getting the hell out just as the tourist season is about to explode. All signs point to the First Family returning to the Vineyard this summer adding further chaos to what’s already a perfect storm of traffic, long lines and inflated prices. Here’s my suggestion for the Vineyard’s new tagline. Feel free to use it for a bumper sticker, tee shirt, refrigerator magnet or any other piece of tourist crap.

MVWorldsworst