Pics from around my neighborhood

Standard

This week I’ve decided to post some funny photos. At least I think they’re funny.
Judge for yourself.
cookiesandship
Well, the COOKIES were pretty good.
99percent
Everything sold at 99% of retail prices. Hurry on down. Won’t last.
Bimbo
Speaks for itself.
And, lastly, this one from Chinatown just made me laugh for some reason. Luckily they gave plenty of advance warning.
spongecake

Octopalypse

Image

octopus
A giant alien octopus
Suddenly appeared on the scene
The fearsome creature slithered down the street
Somehow propelling itself on a slime trail like a 15 ton slug
Leaving all eight appendages free
To wreak havoc

To Snatch up cars and fling them through the air
Lasso skyscrapers and pull them crashing to the ground
Uproot enormous trees as if it was plucking daisies
Snap huge monuments off from their foundations and toss them aside casually
Yank loose a suspension bridge like it was tearing the ribbon from a Christmas present
Wipe out an entire block of buildings with a reckless one arm swipe
Swat airplanes from the sky like they were annoying buzzing insects
Squash whole crowds of pedestrians with one lethal tentacle slam
Pick up a baby stroller and shake its tiny occupant into its cavernous gaping mouth as if it were dispensing a tic tac

Panic ensued
People shrieked
And fled in every direction
The monster had 360 degree coverage of the scene

I stood and stared
Fascinated – but not afraid
A woman ran by me, holding her head with both hands, and screaming hysterically
I sneered at her, “It’s not the end of the world,”
“Oh – yeah it is,” I said, correcting myself.

Top of the Food Chain?

Standard

ratpic

I’m staring at a rat on the subway tracks
She’s staring back at me
It’s a case of mutual disdain
Well, not really mutual.
I think she’s the more disgusted of the two

I’m trying to read what’s going on in her tiny rat brain
As best as I can tell, she’s feeling superior

Rat: “What’s so special about you?
You have to worry about making the rent and paying the bills
Rushing around trying to get to appointments, engagements, assignments, assignations.
You’re at the mercy of a tyrannical boss
Plagued by insomnia, anxiety, depression
Obsessed with keeping up with fashion, current events, trends
(she knew me pretty well)

Rat: “I have everything I need right here in my subterranean Eden.
I have a steady supply of food and water and a warm place to sleep
I don’t waste my time thinking – boo hoo – I don’t have a mate.
30 glorious seconds of shame free sex and I had all I needed from the male of my species
25 rat babies. I nursed them for one month, then booted them out of the nest
I don’t ever worry about them. At the very least a couple of them will survive long enough to give me grandchildren and make me virtually immortal.
It was that easy.

The rat is still staring at me
“What are you looking at?” I say out loud, causing a few people to move down to the other end of the platform

“You think your life is so great? What about all of the beauty in the world? What about the gratification of achieving accomplishments and successes in your life? What about friendships? Family? What about art? What about love?”

“What about it?” she sneered. Her beady eyes were glowing with hatred. Then her look softened a little.
“Hey,” she said. “What about that pretzel?”
I could see that she was greedily eying the last uneaten piece that I held in my hand.

“Fuck you rat!” I screamed. “You and your goddamn perfect life.”

I really didn’t want the rest of the pretzel. I was going to throw it away.
But I stuffed it in my mouth and ate it while she watched.
Out of spite.

‘Til Death Do Us Part

Standard

Because I love you
-Every little thing about you
Your smile, your eyes, your walk, your funny little mannerisms
The way you laugh so openly and so generously
The way you can be so laid back one second and so full of enthusiasm the next

Because I love you
And only ever want to be with you
And think all day long of little things I could do for you
And can’t imagine life without you

It’s only
Because I love you
That I wait for hours outside your gym on the chance that I’ll catch a glimpse of you
Sneak round to the back of your house and go through your garbage
Make unnecessary trips to your doctor, your dentist, your therapist and your chiropracter with the hope that I’ll run into you
Have memorized every personal fact about you that I could get my hands on (I bet you didn’t know how much was available to those with determination)
Follow you into restaurants and, when you leave, snatch up your used napkin and, if I’m really lucky, snag a bite of sandwich, a straw or a half eaten roll

Because I love you
I would gladly go to jail for you
Cut off my pinky, wrap it up in pretty paper and a bow and mail it to you
Because I love you
I would kill someone in your name

Because I love you
I stalk you

I stalk you
Because I love you
So much

Waiting for Salvation – or Something

Standard

I think that, with where I’m currently at in my life
Confused, disillusioned, a little lost and unconnected
I’d be perfect fodder for a cult
So I’m sitting on a bench in a park, hoping to be recruited by a cult member.
Cults are always hanging out in parks – looking for victims
Any cult will do. Some organization that will offer to put things into perspective and give me some direction.
So far I’ve had no luck.

Maybe I don’t look pathetic enough.
Cult members, like serial killers, prey on the weak and isolated.
I put my head in my hands, but then decide that I might miss something in this position.
Some cult group checking me out and trying to determine if I’m prime cult material. Ripe for the picking.
I sit back up and try looking naive and scared.
This makes me feel sad – as if I really am naïve and scared.
I feel sorry for myself
and I think that attitude now gives me the right look for attracting the desired attention.

I don’t really care what the cult’s philosophy may be.
As long as I’m not encouraged to take drugs or expected to kill anyone.
I don’t think those cults are as prevalent any more.
Quite possibly a few exceptions gave the whole cult community a bad rap.
There are probably some good ones.
I’m prepared to give up any income and personal property.
That doesn’t seem like too much to ask for purpose and ideals. And possibly eternal life.
Whatever the perks, I’m not that fussy.
I’d just like to have some guidance, a role model – and a group of ready made friends.

I once thought about starting a cult.
Cult leader has always seemed like an attractive career option.
You just need an angle I guess. I was never able to come up with a good one.
Besides, leader of anything is too much responsibility.
What happens if you just want to hang it all up and do something else?
Do you tell all of your followers that you were probably wrong
and suggest that they should just go back to their old lives?
I don’t think I could handle letting so many people down.

There’s someone else on a park bench nearby who seems like another good candidate for a cult.
A young guy who looks absolutely miserable.
Maybe I should tell him that I’m a cult recruiter
and that if he’s interested I’ll meet him in the same spot tomorrow and tell him all about the cult.
By that time he’ll probably feel better and not even bother showing up.
It might give him some hope for the moment.
Or I might just freak him out.
That’s more likely. I think I’ll just mind my own business.

Maybe I’ll just convince myself that I’ve made plans to meet a cult member here tomorrow.
Then I can go home and make something to eat.
I feel better already.
I should eat something really good anyway.
You never know what the cult’s dietary restrictions may be.