Mea Culpa

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Thinking that it might be a good idea to date a convicted murderer is, in my opinion, a reasonable mistake to make. Dating a second convicted murderer, despite the outcome of the first relationship, is just – OK – stupid. I now know this.

You’re probably thinking that I must be the type of woman who trolls through those websites where prisoners advertise for pen pals. You’d be wrong. I didn’t meet either of my two murderers that way. The first one I picked up hitchhiking after he’d been paroled and the second one I met through the first one. They were cell mates at one point. It’s not that uncommon to have one relationship open doors to new worlds of acquaintanceships that might prove fruitful in one way or another down the line.

Now that I’ve explained that bit – you might be thinking that it could be dangerous to jump from the bed of one murderer to that of his murderous friend but the truth is, my first murderer was happy to be rid of me so there was no risk on that score.

But why DID I date the second murderer after the first relationship went so terribly wrong? Well, hold your judgement please. Have you never fallen into the trap of dating – over and over again – the same type of person who has already proven to be absolutely the worst fit for you? How about all of those overbearing executive types, self-satisfied lawyers, unfunny stand-up comedians? We’ve all done it – OK? So cast no stones.

The reason I got involved in the second ex-con relationship is that after the first break up, the second murderer said all of the right kind of gratifyingly horrible things about the first murderer. What kind of things could he possibly have said that would have been more horrible than the fact that my ex killed someone? Well, lots of things. The bastard apparently cheated on all of his girlfriends – including me, borrowed money from his friends with no intention of paying them back, told everyone that he served in the Army – which he didn’t, and stole his sister’s boyfriend’s car – though even the second murderer thought that was justified.

Learning all of these things about my ex made me really indignant. And hearing them from his friend made me feel like the second murderer was sympathetic to me and, obviously, a far better person than my first murderer. He was on my side. We shared something – hatred of the first murderer. There was a connection. Also, he was very handsome, and had a scar. The first murderer was cute but the second was a definite improvement looks wise. So I was smitten.

One thing that I hadn’t really considered at the time is that murderers tend to lie. Even if they’re not liars by nature, they generally have to lie after the murder – to cops, lawyers, juries, judges, etc. so it can become habitual to them. I don’t think that the second murderer was a born liar but that doesn’t really excuse him.

Anyway, I later found out that all of the things he told me about his friend (except for the stolen car) were lies. They were all actually things that he – the second murderer – had done. Now that I think of it, I guess he was a liar all along since these deceitful acts were committed before the murder. Hmm. Well, moving on…

The second murderer may have had a few advantages over the first in terms of looks and charm – and he was very neat – almost obsessively so – but the first murderer had this going for him. He admitted to his crime – both to me and to everybody else. He confessed immediately afterwards. That’s how he got paroled after only seven years. And, he came clean to me right away. He told me the whole story in the car after I picked him up at that truck stop.

It was a murder of the most excusable kind. A bar fight gone wrong – well, I guess there’s really no way for a bar fight not to go wrong. Anyway, the victim was a prick. Nobody liked him and many people, apparently, were grateful that my ex killed this asshole. At least that’s what he told me and I believe him because after his release his friends were always coming up to him and slapping him on the back and telling him how glad they were to see him, and a bunch of people even threw him a party at the bar where the murder took place and there was a big knife stuck in the middle of the cake which everyone thought was very funny. They all made the same comment, “Hey, is that the knife?” But it wasn’t. The stabbing knife is in an evidence locker.

The second murderer, who I first met at the welcome home bar party by the way, never confessed – to me or to anyone else. He was convicted by a jury but the ruling was overthrown on appeal thanks to a good lawyer and some sloppy police work. He was accused of killing his girlfriend. I know, I know, but apparently she was really bitchy. She was always calling the second murderer a loser and complaining that he didn’t make enough money. And she was about to leave him for another man. Then she turned up dead. Shot in the head in her living room. She had told two of her friends, “If anything happens to me – you know who to blame” So the friends knew – the cops knew – even her dog knew – he started growling every time the second murderer showed up at the girlfriend’s house. Then the dog ended up dead.

The second murderer maintained his innocence from the very beginning and he swore to me that he had nothing to do with the murder. I wasn’t too sure but I believe in the idea of reasonable doubt. It’s the foundation of our legal system and not such a bad principal to follow in dating either.

OK – so just bear with me on this. It’s a little hard to follow.

The first murderer was convicted of second degree murder. The second was convicted of first. I know it’s a little confusing but think of it this way – I was ascending the murder ladder with my two affairs – so the first degree murderer succeeded the second degree murderer. Got it?

Now the you might think that the first degree (second murderer) sounds like he was the worst of the two. But, if you think about it, it’s really the reverse because, you see, the second murderer (the girlfriend killer) had a motive. The first (the bar brawler) was just a rageaholic who could fly off the handle at any time with no provocation. The second put a lot of thought into his “alleged” crime. Premeditation can be a good thing if you’re shopping for a murderer boyfriend. It’s pretty simple to stay safe. Just don’t give the guy any reason to murder you. And I’m the type of person who never gives anyone a reason for even a mild scolding. So, barring my agreeing to take out a large insurance policy (I refused that request) the second murderer would never have any reason to kill me.

As a matter of fact, I felt especially safe because, if anyone should know to avoid murdering someone, it would be a convicted murderer. I figured he had learned his lesson. The first murderer was the type who would have been incapable of learning a lesson. He was a hot head. The second was cold blooded. Much safer in a way. First degree murderers are far more predictable than second degree murderers. It’s their nature. It defines them. Second degree murderers are the loose cannons of the murder world.

Anyway, obviously neither of these two murderers murdered me. But neither relationship ended well all the same.

You might guess that I got beaten up or throttled by the first murderer and called it quits. But that’s not the case (although he did throttle me once – but I didn’t pass out or anything). What happened is, he left me for the girlfriend of his victim. He said that he kind of owed her – but actually he owed me. Around $10,000.

The break up wth the second murderer was a little more complicated. A friend of his went missing – a very attractive young woman whom he hung around with because she was a stylist and gave him free haircuts. He asked me to pretend I was the stylist and make some phone calls to her friends and coworkers explaining that I had left the country and wouldn’t be coming back soon – maybe never. So, I did it. He had an explanation that made sense at the time but I can’t remember exactly what it was. I think he told me that she was planning to make these calls herself – before she left – but hadn’t gotten around to it and now she was somewhere that had limited cell reception – or it would have been really expensive to call from so far away. Something like that.

Well, the cops had the idea that the stylist had been murdered. And they had reason to believe that she and my boyfriend were lovers. Since the alleged victim had only one convicted-murderer-friend, he became the primary suspect. I became a “person of interest” because of my association with the second murderer, as well as the fact that there had to be a woman phone caller involved if, in fact, a murder had taken place.

So, when my boyfriend asked me for $20,000 so he could fly to this foreign country where the stylist could be found and bring her back to exonerate him, what could I do? I was saving my own skin as well, right? Unfortunately, he never came back. It didn’t look so good for me that I had taken a large chunk of money out of the bank the day before he disappeared, and those faked phone calls came back to bite me in the ass.

So – I’m now sitting in jail accused of conspiracy to commit murder. Yes, a body eventually turned up. In my garage as a matter of fact. The first murderer recommended that I use the second murderer’s lawyer, which was a good suggestion considering the outcome of that case, but now I’m broke, so I’ll have to take my chances with a public defender.

I have learned a thing or two about murder trials at this point so that’s an advantage. But, unfortunately, all of my friends and family members turned their backs on me when I got involved with the second murderer so my only character witnesses are going to be the people from the bar stabbing party, and they’re mostly ex-cons. A couple of them are actually in prison right now and I heard that they might be called as witnesses for the prosecution. The new girlfriend of my first murderer boyfriend offered to help me, but that ended up backfiring. She thought it would be funny to pretend to sneak in a knife hidden inside a cake on a visit to me. It was the same knife from the welcome home cake so it was too big and it stuck out a little. It’s kind of ironic that now that knife is in an evidence locker too. Life is funny. But not so funny ha-ha right now.

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