For the new year, I’ve been busy thinking up slogans for my sometimes home of Martha’s Vineyard. Vote for your favorite and I’ll be sending the top three proposals to the chamber of commerce.

Martha’s Vineyard – if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

MV – Is inbreeding such a high price to pay for the year-round enjoyment of spectacular natural beauty?

Three months of smiling at tourists. Nine months of bitching about them.

The Vineyard – It’s worth mortgaging your home for memories that will last a few months.

Martha’s Vineyard – A little island off the coast of reality

Who’s Martha? We don’t know. Where are the vineyards? We don’t have any. Any more stupid questions?

Martha’s Vineyard – The status symbol for those who can’t afford Nantucket

Tourists beware – We’re not interested in adding your healthy new DNA to our gene pool!

If you have to ask, it’s probably a clam

The Vineyard – Where half the people are yoga instructors and the rest are either massage therapists or alternative medicine practiioners of some kind.

MV – The steamship is our ATM

Warning – Someone very likely spit on your overpriced cone of ice cream – Ok, gelato. Whatever.

The Vineyard – For people who are willing to pay for crap that washes up on the beach every day. (We’ve got polished beach rocks, clam shell jewelry and little bits of broken glass in every price range.)

Tourist advisory – Locals may tell you that they’re an artist of some sort but they’re really just looking for patrons for their particular brand of crazy!

Martha’s Vineyard – Pastel, sugar-coated hostility

The Vineyard – No you can’t have your money back.