Despite the endless articles in men’s magazines about sex dos and don’ts, men really don’t have to worry too much about bedroom etiquette. Women all know that men are basically gross and we’re willing to tolerate things like excessive grunting, body odor, ungrammatical dirty talk and even some moderate farting. However, to avoid crossing that thin line between barely acceptable and deal breaker, here’s a list of things that you should absolutely not, under any circumstances, do in bed.

1. Tell her that she smells like your mother as you’re nuzzling her neck

2. Ask when she last had a course of antibiotics

3. Say, “You really look better with your clothes on.”

4. Surprise her by magic markering your penis to make it look like a finger puppet

5. Play dead

6. Wave your arms around and scream like a baby at the sight of her exposed breasts

7. Ask her to wear a blindfold before unzipping your pants and then tell her she can remove it once you’re safely under the blankets

8. Stop midway to have something to eat

9. Offer her candy and then say, “Don’t tell your mommy and daddy about this or I’ll have to kill them.”

10. Ask her which one of your testicles she likes better

11. Try on her panties while she’s in the bathroom (OK. You might be able to get away with this one as a joke – but not on a first date)

12. Ask her if she has change for a hundred

There were two more than I removed from the list because I thought they were just too crude (I’m really a bit of a prude and even compiling this list made me blush) However, if you become a follower of my blog, I’ll email you the other two. Might just save your sex life!