Tales from the City – part I


This is the sort of stupid tidbit I should have posted on Facebook but I’m running out of material for my blog.

I was trying to fix a friend’s statuette – an angel with a broken arm – so I searched around and found a little tube that I thought was SuperGlue. I was about to spread it on the angel’s empty shoulder socket when I noticed the warning on the side of the tube: “Do not use on cats” Funny, I thought, did someone once try to stick their cat’s tail back on after a tragic accident? Or have people been known to glue things onto cats just for amusement?

It turns out the tube was some sort of dog medicine. Does the fact that I never threw it out after whatever ailment I was treating was cured (can’t remember what or when it was) make me a hoarder? I think it’s very possible.

Happy Mothers’ Day


I’ve realized that one of my favorite subjects is babies. Probably second in popularity only to Jesus. So, in honor of Mothers’ Day – here’s yet another baby post.

mothers day

The Last Crucifixion of Christ


As the title indicates, this will be my last Jesus joke (for a while at least) I am turning my attention from Christ to Trump (another easy target)

This cartoon was scheduled for Easter but – as Jesus said after emerging from the tomb on day three – “Better late than never”


Happy Birthday Timi!

Generation Selfie


This is me.

In front of the Washingon Monument

I’m on a school trip to DC

Exploring the question

How does history impact me today?”

In this case – Makes me look fat.


I’m writing a paper

On evolution

Did you know that what sets humans apart from all other species

Is that we have thumbs?

And therefore can text


Humans are superior

Because we have all the answers

To all of the questions

At our fingertips

Unless the question, is “where’s my cell phone?”


Therefore (this is the conclusion)

We should be spending all of our research money

On inventing a cell phone that can’t be lost


Here’s the opener:

The source of all knowledge.

The cell phone

With it, we’re at the top of the food chain

Without it

We’re totally vulnerable

Standing around helpless

You could starve.


That’s the basic idea of my paper on evolution

Here’s the “resolution of conflict”

We’ve reached the pinnacle of human acheivement


In a society where we can read people’s minds

Why can’t someone come up with a medically embedded cell phone?

Let’s evolutionize ourselves

Rather than leaving it up to God

Darwin was right

God needs our help


BTW I read that about the human thumb on the internet

No. I’m not sure if it was a scientific journal

Or a blog

And I prefer not to say

I heard that…” or “I read somewhere…”

You should always just state something as a fact

It shows that you have confidence

That’s really the bottom line

The key to success


My Spiritual Awakening – OR – I Sold My Soul for a Bunch of Stale Donuts


(True story – 100% true)

I didn’t grow up with religion. My parents were atheists. My maternal grandparents were practicing Catholics. My father’s parents were fairly relaxed Protestants. When I was three years old, my parents got divorced and my mother, brother and I moved in with my mom’s parents. My grandmother (who I terrified of) would occasionally drag me to church. She tried to make it sound appealing. I got to dress up and she let me put the dollar into the collection basket. That was the highlight for me. The mass was excrutiatingly boring. I tried to enjoy it but honestly, even at one dollar, the experience was overvalued.

Flash forward half a dozen years. Junior High School. This was a very difficult time for me. We had moved from Cambridge Mass to a small redneck town in the Poconos. I was the weird kid. I had no friends. I desperately wanted to have friends.

There was a group of Catholic girls who went to something called CCC every Wednesday after school. I knew about this because my house was on the way to the parish hall and I used to walk part way with the girls. I was intrigued. Not only could this be a chance to make friends, belong to a group, I had also found out that there were refreshments – hot chocolate and donuts.

One Wednesday, I bypassed my house and continued on to St. Josephs. The girls introduced me to the priest and I was in. The hot chocolate and donuts were great but CCC was a bit of a reality check for me. It was Bible class. Every week we read passages and discussed them. I sat in the back of the room and played a game with a type of candy called Tart ‘n Tinies. They were like itty bitty wheels that I could roll down the sloping desk, paring them off in races. I ate the losers.

Eventually the priest called on me to read. I mispronounced Job as job – as in Steve Jobs. This led to my first experience with wrath. The priest called me out in front of the entire class. “You know better than that,” he yelled. I didn’t. I thought it was job. This may have been the moment when the priest realized that there was an infidel in their midst. I was asked to stay after class and it was explained to me that the kids in CCC were preparing for Confirmation. “Are you planning on getting confirmed?” “Uh. Sure” “Have you been baptized?”

I got baptized. In preparation I had to take private instruction with the priest. I questioned a lot of the teachings but only attempted to argue with Father Frank once. Guess what? You can’t argue with a Catholic priest on matters of religion. I think if he had had a choice Father Frank would have barred me from membership in the Catholic church. But he couldn’t really. My godparents – the parents of one of my new friends and upstanding congregants – had been selected and they were beaming with pride. Their daughter had already scored a convert.

I read the Bible. This wasn’t requried but I thought I should check out the handbook. I got through the entire Old Testament before I gave up. The Bible is incredibly boring. I later found out that the New Testament is the way to go, but I didn’t know that then. As I recall, the Old Testament is just a series of laundry lists. But I soldiered through, all the time thinking “How the hell did this book make the bestseller list?”

Baptism is kind of a big deal. I had to buy a white dress. Fahter Frank dressed up in his special baptising vestments. The atmosphere was very solemn. I was fairly intimidated.

Hardly anyone showed up for the big occasion. My godparents, the Woods, were there, along with little Regina Wood. There may have been one or two of those old women who hang around Catholic churches. Church groupies. But that was it.  I know my mother didn’t come. I’m sure she was horrified. My father lived in California, but he most definitely wouldn’t have attended, even if he could have. He, no doubt, was thoroughly disgusted with me. Thinking back, this may have been the time when my father gave up on me. He didn’t like me for a bunch of years, but we eventually became very close during my adultood.

Anyway, the deed was done but my faith had already started to waver and the whole baptism thing was actually a bit embarrassing. If this was what sacraments were like, I wasn’t about to go through with confirmation. Plus, CCC had grown old. I had gotten into basketball.

I did continue to attend mass with Regina and my godparents. Dutifully – every Sunday. Standing, sitting, kneeling, praying, reciting, singing (sort of). I put my dollar in the basket every week – still the highlight. The Woods smiled at me all the time. But I just wasn’t feeling it.

St. Josephs was one of those really impressive trophy churches with spires and giant doors and a really high ceiling. There was a fair amount of not-too-poorly-executed artwork to distract me, but the services were just the same old monotonous marathons that I remembered from my early childhood. I did like communion but that alone just wasn’t making it all worth while. My faith was gone.

One Sunday, while standing up in church, Bible in hand, for one of the vertical ordeals of the mass, I was struck on the top of the head by something really hard. It was very sudden and very disconcerting. I rubbed the top of my head, looking around to see if anyone had noticed, or if any other member of the congregation had been similarly pelted. Nope. It was just me. A small pebble had become dislodged from somewhere way, way up in that stratospheric roof. By the time it hit me square in the middle of my skull the pebble had gained considerable velocity and the impact hurt – a lot. I had even been knocked loopy for a moment.

If this wasn’t a sign…

God was literally stoning me. That was all I needed.

I am now a lapsed Catholic. I still have a bump on my head.

Happy Fuck-with-People’s Heads Day!


As promised – here’s a neat April Fools Day joke to play on people.

If you have a friend who’s been complaining about some mildly annoying ailment (i.e. aches and pains, fatigue, etc)  call the friend up and say, “Hey, you know  those little red marks by your ear?   I just read that that’s the first sign of (pick one)  Stroke, any form of cancer  (the more specific the more believable), Ebola, Alzheimers, schizophrenia, etc) Hint: Play on their greatest fears. When the friend responds “Really??!!!” (and I guarantee they will) say, “Yes. Seriously. You better make an appointment to see a doctor right away.” Take it as far as you wish. If they actually get as far as going to a doctor, imagine how relieved they’ll be. They might even thank you. Or not.

Well, that’s my April Fools gift to you all. Have fun wth it!

April Fool’s Day Prank – suggestion


Gather a bunch of friends, dress as rednecks and hold a Trump rally. Make sure you have at least one Ku Klux Klan member and one Nazi. Hold up signs that say – Trump for Prezydent ;  Trump for Fuhrer; Blonde = Aryan, Aryan = Good; Abort all Muslims, Why do you think they call it Mexico? (my personal fave because it makes no sense) Size matters! etc  Get creative. Please post any slogan suggestions and photos!