Dear Mr. President

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You once said, “I could shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose votes.”

Well guess what Donald?

You could cure cancer or facilitate world peace and the majority of Americans would still hate you.

You could single-handedly rescue an entire litter of sad-eyed puppies from drowning and people would still hate you.

And nobody would adopt the puppies.

You could donate a kidney to a needy 6-year-old Mexican boy and the Mexican boy’s family would still hate you.

And they’d consider putting the kid up for adoption.

We’re all just waiting for you to slip on a banana peel so we can laugh at you and post the video on social media.

And banana sales will skyrocket.

That’s the real reality Mr. Celebrity Apprentice/Wrestlemania

I guess if anyone knows “fake” it’s you.

But we all wish that the news was fake

And that you weren’t our president

And that the fake news was real

And you’d been abducted by aliens.

(And by the way, now that you’re “Mr. America” you don’t get to go on to “Mr. World” or “Mr. Universe” so give up your global domination plans and focus on your “Make America Greedy” campaign instead. Seems to be working for you.)

Happy Halloween

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Here’s my Halloween costume. I’m a sad clown whose dreams of becoming a ballerina have been dashed. Story of my life. Sort of.

The leather jacket wasn’t part of the costume but it brings the look to another level. In this pic I’m a sad clown who has failed as a ballerina AND a rockstar.

Doesn’t life just suck?!

halloween-clown

Tales from the City – part I

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This is the sort of stupid tidbit I should have posted on Facebook but I’m running out of material for my blog.

I was trying to fix a friend’s statuette – an angel with a broken arm – so I searched around and found a little tube that I thought was SuperGlue. I was about to spread it on the angel’s empty shoulder socket when I noticed the warning on the side of the tube: “Do not use on cats” Funny, I thought, did someone once try to stick their cat’s tail back on after a tragic accident? Or have people been known to glue things onto cats just for amusement?

It turns out the tube was some sort of dog medicine. Does the fact that I never threw it out after whatever ailment I was treating was cured (can’t remember what or when it was) make me a hoarder? I think it’s very possible.

Happy Mothers’ Day

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I’ve realized that one of my favorite subjects is babies. Probably second in popularity only to Jesus. So, in honor of Mothers’ Day – here’s yet another baby post.

mothers day

The Last Crucifixion of Christ

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As the title indicates, this will be my last Jesus joke (for a while at least) I am turning my attention from Christ to Trump (another easy target)

This cartoon was scheduled for Easter but – as Jesus said after emerging from the tomb on day three – “Better late than never”

Jesus

Happy Birthday Timi!

Generation Selfie

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This is me.

In front of the Washingon Monument

I’m on a school trip to DC

Exploring the question

How does history impact me today?”

In this case – Makes me look fat.

 

I’m writing a paper

On evolution

Did you know that what sets humans apart from all other species

Is that we have thumbs?

And therefore can text

 

Humans are superior

Because we have all the answers

To all of the questions

At our fingertips

Unless the question, is “where’s my cell phone?”

 

Therefore (this is the conclusion)

We should be spending all of our research money

On inventing a cell phone that can’t be lost

 

Here’s the opener:

The source of all knowledge.

The cell phone

With it, we’re at the top of the food chain

Without it

We’re totally vulnerable

Standing around helpless

You could starve.

 

That’s the basic idea of my paper on evolution

Here’s the “resolution of conflict”

We’ve reached the pinnacle of human acheivement

Yet

In a society where we can read people’s minds

Why can’t someone come up with a medically embedded cell phone?

Let’s evolutionize ourselves

Rather than leaving it up to God

Darwin was right

God needs our help

 

BTW I read that about the human thumb on the internet

No. I’m not sure if it was a scientific journal

Or a blog

And I prefer not to say

I heard that…” or “I read somewhere…”

You should always just state something as a fact

It shows that you have confidence

That’s really the bottom line

The key to success

Confidence