PINE RIVER — It is a common scene lampooned by movies and television everywhere: Families getting into uncomfortable, even heated arguments over a holiday meal.
Mediator Hallie Pond has advice to make the holiday dinner table more comfortable.
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Pond is a Pine River-Backus graduate who recently moved back to the area after 15 years in West Africa, San Francisco and New York.
The owner of a private consulting practice called TrueSpace Consulting, Pond recently offered her experience in classes to help families communicate productively during the holiday season.
The more that we can normalize it and approach these conversations like politics around the dinner table with genuine curiosity to better understand others' point of view, it can actually help us grow our own perspectives.
"I find that in Minnesota, there's a lot of Minnesota nice going on," Pond said. "Folks might not be fully forthcoming in addressing conflict head-on, or if they do, it can be explosive. I'm really passionate about finding a middle way, navigating conflict with dignity and compassion.
"We wanted folks to walk away with goals to create a more peaceful holiday season and to strengthen relationships with their loved ones and build a more united community," she said.
There are many factors that can lead to conflict around the dinner table. In addition to recently concluding a very divisive election season, people in general have their own hot topics.
"It really varies for folks and what they're going through," Pond said. "We all carry our own baggage and the end of the year brings out a lot of stress and fatigue. Folks work hard during the year and the holidays can be a time of respite.
"At the same time it can bring folks together with intertwined histories that might be emotionally triggering or activating," she said.
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A topic some might not consider divisive around a table is workplace dynamics.
"Cass County is like the 14th poorest county in all of Minnesota, so there might be stress around finances that exacerbates conflict in families or wanting to care for loved ones and health care being so expensive," Pond said. "There are so many things that can make us feel stressed and make it hard to come to the table ready to collaborate."
Pond, however, does have tips.The first one is part feeling safe and part feeling calm.
Oftentimes when we hold different beliefs and a person believes something different, it can feel like a personal attack. And so I think taking a step back and recognizing that there's value in holding different perspectives and that conflict can actually mean connection and deeper intimacy and relationships.
"Make sure you feel grounded in yourself," she said. "That might mean taking five minutes to step away from conversing with a person. One of the things I find most helpful in re-regulating your nervous system is to focus on one of the five senses for at least 60 seconds."
One effective approach is to avoid blame, and make only "I" statements to take ownership and responsibility for one's own experience, she said. And avoid language that might seem targeting for the other person.
Refocusing on a shared opinion briefly can help redirect conversation from attacks to something more productive and positive.
"First and foremost, it's important that if you are engaging in conflict, make sure you feel safe and that the relationship is worth engaging in conflict like that," Pond said. "It takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to express our beliefs when they are so tender.
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"Oftentimes when we hold different beliefs and a person believes something different, it can feel like a personal attack," she said. "And so I think taking a step back and recognizing that there's value in holding different perspectives and that conflict can actually mean connection and deeper intimacy and relationships."
Sometimes prioritizing safety can mean avoiding a person or avoiding a topic completely. Avoidance has both advantages and disadvantages.
"The more that we can normalize it and approach these conversations like politics around the dinner table with genuine curiosity to better understand others' point of view, it can actually help us grow our own perspectives," Pond said. "And it's not about trying to change someone else's opinion or idea or belief. It's about trying to understand them."
Then again, avoidance can provide a buffer when feelings are strong.
"Avoidance can be a great tactic," Pond said. "But if it's a relationship you care about and you feel safe enough to engage in these dialogues, it can really mean deeper levels of vulnerability, courage, and intimacy and relationships."
It is also important to remember that anyone having a conversation has the right to back away at any time, especially if tempers get heated, voices raise and things look particularly agitated.
It can be as easy as stating outright that you need a break to calm down, or telling them how much you value them, before moving on, Pond said.
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"One (option) could be using language like, 'I really care about our relationship and right now it doesn't feel like this is a productive conversation,'" she said.
Changing the topic can also be an effective option.
Some tense discussions can be diffused with statements on something you agree on, showing gratitude or sharing a positive memory with that person.
One of the most universal alternate topics will be right under everyone's nose.
"Another really big uniting topic is food," Pond said. "There's a reason we come together around the table to connect. Food is a huge anchoring thing in our human experience. Talking about the foods we enjoy, or meals we've had in the past that have been really great, can kind of decrease some of the tension around the table."
Pond advocates for the power of forgiveness.
"To me, forgiveness is really an inside job," she said. "It's not always about communicating to another person that you forgive them, but it's finding the place in your heart to kind of wrap things up in a bow and carry it with tender, loving care in order to find a more compassionate, peaceful place in yourself."
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Regardless, that doesn't make it simple.
"None of this is easy, though some of these things sound like they could be easy," Pond said. "Some of the hardest stuff is doing the emotional excavation, trying to find and cultivate peace internally and in our relationships."
Pond received a degree in global studies in human rights and justice in California. Afterward, she helped facilitate workshops for young people to explore leadership skills in community service.
She then worked for Nerdwallet, a personal finance company, then the employee review site, Glassdoor. She started TrueSpace Consulting in 2019 to help develop leadership coaching, navigate growth in companies and evaluate employees.
She then went to Columbia University for a master's degree in social organizational psychology before moving back to Pine River.
She had a class with two other local mediators scheduled through Pine River-Backus Community Education earlier this month that was canceled and will be rescheduled in the new year, possibly through another organizer.
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